EXECUTIVE DANCE a comedy by JOE DIPIETRO A corporate social function. BALLROOM DANCE MUSIC plays. A dark-suited, middle-aged executive, JONATHAN, stands, nursing a scotch and scoping the scene. Another middle-aged executive, STEVEN, approaches. STEVEN Jonathon, hi. JONATHAN Steven, good to see you. Congratualtions on your latest sales figures. STEVEN Yes, you saw the memo. JONATHAN I see every memo. So, some party, eh? STEVEN Actually, for a company function, it certainly is lively. So--care to dance? JONATHAN May I lead? STEVEN Go for it. JONATHAN and STEVEN begin to rhumba together. JONATHAN You hear the rumor about Grundig in Marketing? STEVEN Promotion? JONATHAN Into an office with a window. STEVEN He doesn't have a window now? JONATHAN No, he has a couch. STEVEN He's gonna have a window and a couch?! JONATHAN No, he can't take the couch. Another promotion he gets it back, plus a coffee table. STEVEN I thought they downsized marketing? JONATHAN Yep, sixty-two heads, not including secretarial. STEVEN And Grundig got himself a window! The suck-up! JONATHAN That's nothing. Were you in the loop on the rumor about Marmadoski in Finance? STEVEN Forced early retirement? JONATHAN Nope. Gonna give him two more windows. STEVEN No freakin' way! JONATHAN I hear whispers he might eventually be the first assistant exec v.p. with a china cabinet.MUSIC stops. They applaud the band. MUSIC re-starts. JONATHAN (CONT'D) What's this? Foxtrot? Wouldn't you know--by weakest step! STEVEN No sweat, I'll lead.They foxtrot. JONATHAN Uh Steven, I've forgotten, how many windows do you have again? STEVEN Jonathan, c'mon! Pretty personal, don't you think? JONATHAN Steven, you forgetting who you're dancing with? We started together--slogging through expense reports! We have a bond! STEVEN Well--I've got one of those half windows. JONATHAN I've heard about those. STEVEN Yeah, I guess they didn't want to give me a full window yet, but I certainly didn't deserve no window-- JONATHAN Of course not! STEVEN Absolutely! So they have me half. What about you? JONATHAN A window. Whole one. And a love seat. STEVEN Damn! You know, Jonathan, sometimes I think I don't play the game right! I mean, sure, I haven't been streamlined into an outplaced unit--and thank God, in this economy!--but I look at the lack of furniture and sunlight in my office and I can't help but think... JONATHAN Wait! Here comes Johnson! STEVEN Oh, Jesus! What'd we do?! JONATHAN All right, all right! Smile and act happy!They plaster on smiles and speak to an unseen man, dancing next to them. JONATHAN Bill! STEVEN Bill! Wonderful function! JONATHAN And I might add, having these executive-only dances was a terrific way of bringing us all together--much better than a softball team. At first, I have to admit, I was a bit skeptical. After all, we have seven women execs and about fifteen hundred men--though I think there's nothing wrong with that, of course--but I believed in your judgement enough to give it a go, and now, I have to admit I find these dances a great stress-reliever. Watch this--dip time.He dips STEVEN, who is not to thrilled but reacts like a good sport. JONATHAN (CONT'D) See, now I'm refreshed. STEVEN Good to talk to you, Bill.They smile and watch BILL dance away. STEVEN (CONT'D) You are such a suck-up! JONATHAN Hey, who's the one sitting in the office with half-a-window?MUSIC stops. They applaud. MUSIC re-starts. STEVEN Oh Christ, a waltz! I have to stop. JONATHAN Not an option, Steven, not after Johnson acknowledged us. Can't appear as if we're dancing just to get his attention. Don't want to look phony. STEVEN I an not an adequate waltzer! JONATHAN Steven, relax! Calm down. C'mon, just stay in my arms and sway--c'mon--that's right, that's it.A moment, as STEVEN leans into JONATHAN and they sway back and forth. STEVEN Did you participate in hius last executive-only function: the group spanking? JONATHAN Don't remind me. So humiliating. STEVEN Well, you know what I hear his next executive-only activity is: twister-- JONATHAN That's not so bad. STEVEN Naked. JONATHAN God! I hope I don't agree to that! STEVEN Me neither. I like to think that I have limits. JONATHAN Hey, hey, who's dancing with Rigatowski from Personnel? STEVEN Bittenbauer from Corporate. JONATHAN Look at those two trying to show off. Pathetic! STEVEN I heard they found a dance hall for homosexuals and practiced together. The suck-ups. JONATHAN Hey, wanna show them how it's done? STEVEN What? No! C'mon! JONATHAN Hey, do you want an entire window and maybe some furniture or what? STEVEN Well, yeah, still... JONATHAN Steven, these are tough times. I got a memo about a rumor that they're going to downsize Sales within the next... STEVEN What?! I haven't heard that! JONATHAN Those in the department are the last to know. STEVEN What's the consensus hearsay? JONATHAN Eighty-seven heads, not including receptionists. STEVEN Jesus! JONATHAN Can you mambo? STEVEN Not since Club Med. JONATHAN Follow my hips and be light as a feather! (Calling off) Ramon, hit me with something Cuban!STEVEN and JONATHAN break into a vigorous, and rather impressive, mambo. They finish with a flourish. JONATHAN They're looking at us funny. STEVEN That's cause Johnson noticed us. He gave you a smile. JONATHAN No! Really? A "happy" smile or a "you're-acting-like-an-asshole-so-you're-terminated" smile? STEVEN We're about to find out! Here he comes!They straighten up and sile as they talk to him. STEVEN (CONT'D) Having a swell time, Bill! JONATHAN And it's so relaxing without the wives around. STEVEN Well thank you, we both just like to cut loose once in a while and...Lunch? Four weeks from tomorrow? JONATHAN How fun! STEVEN Yes, we'll call on of your secretaries tomorrow and confirm, right. JONATHAN How fun! STEVEN Bye-bye. JONATHAN Bye-bye.They watch him dance away. JONATHAN (CONT'D) Score! STEVEN What a rush!MUSIC stops. They applaud. STEVEN (CONT'D) So Jonathan-- JONATHAN Steven. I do hope you get the rest of your window. STEVEN And I hope you trade up your love seat for an entire couch. JONATHAN I think we got a future here, pal. STEVEN Naked twister, eh? How bad could that be?STEVEN exits. JONATHAN picks up his drink and scopes the scene. BLACK.